Broken Open

“Only when you offer yourself as bread, broken and given, to a hungry world, will you ever be satisfied”

I have read many quotes of late that refer to the idea that the only thing we truly have is what we give.  It reminds me of a quote from the movie “Into the Wild”

“Happiness is only real if shared”

I feel like I am finally beginning to feel the truth of this paradox. 

Motherhood will do that to you. 

It is in the constant breaking of identity, of what I thought I needed, what I thought defined me,

and instead growing bigger, giving more,

letting more Light shine through…

it is in this process that I seem to become more myself, which I believe someone once said was the Light of the World…

Because you cannot receive until you can give.

And you cannot give until you are broken

Like Bread

So perfect sitting on the counter

In its apparent wholeness

It is the breaking which nourishes

And so I am breaking my way

To Wholeness, to Holiness.

So many times it will feel like too much, the challenge too big, and I will retreat back into the safety of taking, drawing those lines in the sand…

And as those lines push against the surface of my heart, constricting it with their rigidity, I let the surf wash them away

Let myself become as big as the ocean

And let my world swim in its waves.

Swept Away

Today I was sweeping. And I saw this little mismatched pair of shoes lying there.

A boot and a flip flop.

And the memory of why they were there came flooding back.

An attempt by my little boy to come with his mama. I was leaving to do something he could not accompany me for, and I was rushed.
I hurriedly told him mama had to go by herself.

He ran to find his shoes, quickly because he knew I was leaving.

And that was what he came with, a boot and a flip flop.

And as I swept them aside today tears of realization came.

I had swept this aside yesterday. In my hurry I had swept him aside. I had hurried past the moment of a sweet chuckle shared together at the sweetness of this winter boot summer flip flop pair overflowing with its message of budding independence and love for his time with mama.

"I come" he had said in his angel voice.
These are the moments I so don't want to walk past, my head heavy with the haze of hurriedness and have-tos.

I want to take just a minute to hold on, to feel, to taste the fruits of life and meaning hanging ripe from each moment, waiting for me to slow down long enough to pick them.

I don't want them to be swept aside.
I want to be swept away.

Perfect Seeing

Did I ever think I would come to a place where I would See the Perfection of exhaustion?
And yet, I do.

With a newborn comes for me a profound exhaustion, a tiredness so deep it seems to wash over me, filling every crevice of my being until words can't even form.

But I have learned a secret this time,

Try to push past it, form words anyway, complete tasks...my life becomes very difficult.

Let the waves sweep me under, glaze my eyes and smile slow smiles of dreamy wonder, and exhaustion becomes a balm, a place where to-dos and necessary words no longer exist.

Instead there is only this moment.

There is her face making the most exquisite pattern of expressions that I find my own face mimicking.

There is her sweet baby scent filling me.

There is the way her warm body feels curled against me.

There is the softness of the sheets, the sliding softness of my feet against each other, the warmth of the blanket...

There are only these things, things so subtle they would be invisible to my eyes if they were not covered in the haze of exhaustion.

Oh yes, my Creator knows me and knows exactly what I need to experience what my deepest desire right now is, to bond deeply and surely with Miss Piper.

As always, perfection exists when i am blessed with moments of Perfect Seeing.
May I have more and more of them.

Feeding the Birds

Christmas is over, but winter is not…

Time now for gazing at tree branches set against a blue sky

For feeling the quiet chill creeping beneath layers of clothing

For seeing the stars and moon

For watching birds hop on branches normally hidden from view

Here’s to winter.

Do you See What I See?

Said the night wind to the little lamb

Do you see what I see?

Way up in the sky little lamb

Do you see what I see?

A star a star

dancing in the night

With a tail as big as a kite

With a tail as big as a kite

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy

Do you hear what I hear?

Ringing through the sky shepherd boy

Do you hear what I hear?

A song a song

High above the tree

With a voice as big as the sea

With a voice as big as the sea

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king

Do you know what I know?

In your palace walls mighty king?

Do you know what I know?

A child A child

Shivers in the cold

Let us bring Him silver and gold

Let us bring Him silver and gold

Said the king to the people everywhere

Listen to what I say

Pray for peace people everywhere

Listen to what I say

A child A child

sleeping in the night

He will bring us Goodness and Light

He will bring us Goodness and Light

Piper Rose Jackson

Born December 19, 2011 at 3:33 am

9 lbs 5 oz and 21 in

Shades of Red

 

“It’s so beautiful it makes you want to cry”

                                                         Noelle, almost 4 years

 

Crimson

Heart

Life

Love

Nesting

I have been a little smitten with nesting things as of late.  I have fallen in love with the little nesting Matryoska dolls from Russia all over again.  I have a newfound affection for Noah and all his animal friends piling together into the safe and warm ark to ride out the storm eventually to find themselves in a new world. 

It is this time of year, with the cold damp, yes.  But it is also the little child about to be born that makes all things warm and cozy and together seem so much more meaningful. 

We have sort of nested into our own home, venturing a few blocks here and there, but for the most part, staying very close to home.  We have rediscovered the little secret niches of our neighborhood

I have always thought this is such a wonderful time of year to have a baby.  I play music and sing songs about the wonder and goodness of a tiny baby whose birth changed the world.  There is a reverence and joy that is palpable as neighbors smile and offer their holiday wishes.  All my children are born by the light of a Christmas tree, cold winds outside, the warmth of family and Christmas inside. 

My winter babies snuggled close to their mama, still wrapped in the dreamy mists from whence they came, as the quiet cold wraps us all in its stillness.  Perfect.