Friday, June 12, 2009

Chasing Magic

Noelle and Cousin Emma

I have not written for awhile. We found out we are expecting, and after the initial high of that realization wore off, in came all the physical feelings of sickness, but also alot of emotions to deal with.

I knew I always wanted a sibling or siblings for Noelle. This was my dream. And yet, after the elation came fear and sadness, feelings of loss. Would Noelle be ready? Would she be okay? Would I become completely engrossed with the new baby and leave her feeling lost? Or am I so strongly bonded to Noelle that I will neglect the new baby and fail to bond properly?

Did I make the right decision?

It has been recently that I have found a beautiful, overarching feeling of peace and calm. The feeling that everything is as it should be returned, and I have been able to see again all the wonderful things a sibling will bring our little family.


Right now Noelle has two parents with alot of love and alot of time. She is, quite honestly, overindulged. I think this is okay right now, but I do think eventually there would need to be some balance, the ability to see that there are other people in the universe with other needs that at times may come before hers. She will learn selflessness and compassion, and I think we will be able to better establish boundaries with two or more to look out for.

A Routine.

There is just so much time right now. I have tried to establish a routine (more than meals and bedtime) several times, but there is just alot of time to work with. I think having a second will allow us to follow a better routine, to keep the family in a nice, discernible rhythm.

A Constant Companion.

Sometimes I watch Noelle playing with her little toys, talking and cooing to them, but now I see something different. In my mind's eye, I see a little baby sitting beside her, smiling and clapping its hands, as she shows them all the things her little toy can do. And I see the sparkle in her eye from the excitement of having someone to share it all with.

And most importantly, Friendship.

I watch Noelle with other children and I am always so amazed at how differently she plays with them than with us. There is such a vibrant energy between them, and a subtle communication that almost seems like they are dancing. One leads for a moment, and then the other, and they never break rhythm. It is magical to watch, but it always left a little bit of a lump in my throat before because I knew I could never play with her like that, that we lose some of the magic when we grow up.

Now when I see it, I feel a deep satisfaction, because I know sooner than later she will have someone she can play with day or night. And she will have somebody that can understand her like I never will. Someone whom she can go to after Stephen or I or both have come down on her for something, and she is feeling alone and upset, until she finds her brother or sister and they smile at her and declare,

"Let's go play!"

And she will run side by side with them, leaving all her cares streaming behind her as she once again races to find the magic.

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