Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
and the silk
Sometimes in these moments
I can only think
Life is so magical
And I hold my breath
So that I may hold onto
But then I must exhale
And move forward.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I am here to laugh with her when something is funny.
I am here to be her steeping stool when she wants to reach for the stars.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
I knew I always wanted a sibling or siblings for Noelle. This was my dream. And yet, after the elation came fear and sadness, feelings of loss. Would Noelle be ready? Would she be okay? Would I become completely engrossed with the new baby and leave her feeling lost? Or am I so strongly bonded to Noelle that I will neglect the new baby and fail to bond properly?
Did I make the right decision?
It has been recently that I have found a beautiful, overarching feeling of peace and calm. The feeling that everything is as it should be returned, and I have been able to see again all the wonderful things a sibling will bring our little family.
Right now Noelle has two parents with alot of love and alot of time. She is, quite honestly, overindulged. I think this is okay right now, but I do think eventually there would need to be some balance, the ability to see that there are other people in the universe with other needs that at times may come before hers. She will learn selflessness and compassion, and I think we will be able to better establish boundaries with two or more to look out for.
There is just so much time right now. I have tried to establish a routine (more than meals and bedtime) several times, but there is just alot of time to work with. I think having a second will allow us to follow a better routine, to keep the family in a nice, discernible rhythm.
A Constant Companion.
Sometimes I watch Noelle playing with her little toys, talking and cooing to them, but now I see something different. In my mind's eye, I see a little baby sitting beside her, smiling and clapping its hands, as she shows them all the things her little toy can do. And I see the sparkle in her eye from the excitement of having someone to share it all with.
And most importantly, Friendship.
I watch Noelle with other children and I am always so amazed at how differently she plays with them than with us. There is such a vibrant energy between them, and a subtle communication that almost seems like they are dancing. One leads for a moment, and then the other, and they never break rhythm. It is magical to watch, but it always left a little bit of a lump in my throat before because I knew I could never play with her like that, that we lose some of the magic when we grow up.
Now when I see it, I feel a deep satisfaction, because I know sooner than later she will have someone she can play with day or night. And she will have somebody that can understand her like I never will. Someone whom she can go to after Stephen or I or both have come down on her for something, and she is feeling alone and upset, until she finds her brother or sister and they smile at her and declare,
"Let's go play!"
And she will run side by side with them, leaving all her cares streaming behind her as she once again races to find the magic.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Just watching the scene go by.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Once she had finished with her arrangement of impatiens and periwinkles, she set to bringing her Mama some of these lovely flowers, and then nudged my head toward them to smell.
Taking a break to smell the flowers
The neighborhood horticulturist up at Chandor, Steve, commented that he believes she is destined to become some sort of naturalist.In case she does, and is reading this several decades from now...
Noelle, your love for flowers began before you knew the word "flower",
Your respect for the natural world came before you knew trees give us our oxygen and shade,
And before you could understand the importance of our connection with nature, you were madly and completely in love with all its wonders.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Last week, we went on our first real vacation with Noelle (not counting Arkansas when she was in my belly) to Lake Murray, Oklahoma.
We were pleasantly surprised. We had an uneventful two hour drive there and back, and Noelle seemed as excited as we were to be there. She ran around outside and inside, like a puppy in new territory. We pulled the mattress from the bedroom to the living room floor, and we all slept wonderfully there.
We went on trails, we ate on the picnic table in the cool evening, we went into Ardmore to see the historic district. Basically, we did alot of what Stephen and I would have done before, except now we had our little one to show this big, beautiful world.
I really love traveling, even just a couple hours away. It is just so refreshing for me. I took notice of myself actually skipping everywhere. And then when we come home, it is like our little place is somewhere very familiar from long ago. So that I am thinking things like "I remember this street" or "I remember these flowers", or "I remember these books". Only two nights away and it feels as if we have been away for many months. We even wonder what the neighbors have been up to since we have been gone sooo long.
To describe Oklahoma, the word I keep coming back to is Wild. There are animals everywhere, and the forests are clean and quiet. There were few people there when we were, so it truly felt that sometimes we were in the wilderness. Geese clamored overhead as we hiked in the mornings. Deer bounded out of sight. A bright green snake slithered down a tree to get a closer look.
A deer track.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
"Mine is bright red and tall."
"Mine is bright green."
Each was confused over this. Wasn't a wall always red? Or always green?
And what was better? Red or green?
Then one yelled to the other:
"Let us climb over our walls, so that we may see each other true, not separated such as this."
And so they climbed. And met each other face to face at the top of the very same wall, painted red on one side, and green on the other.
My sister and I had an argument this morning. I won't say which side was which, but basically there were two arguments, and we were banging our heads trying to understand the other and have the other understand us. It went something along the lines of this:
"Everyone loves their child as much as the other, and this love is perfect. We all do our best that we know at the time and we cannot ask of ourselves any more than this."
The other side: 'There are different qualities of love, and it is in being able to see when we are not loving our children the best that we can then move ourselves to love more and better and grow spiritually. We can always love better."
And as I look at these two arguments, I realize they are two sides of one whole truth: Love is perfect, but we often love imperfectly. We always do our best, which is all we can ask of ourselves, but we can always do better. This is the nature of our human existence.
And so I climb that wall to meet my sister face to face, to realize we were standing on two sides of the same wall.